This is from an actual job posting at work. You can’t make this shit up.
International Financial Analyst-This position will provide support in the areas of financial analysis, planning & forecasting, and reporting, and will contribute to driving business growth for the International division within xxxxxx. Play a key role on the Annual Plan, Long Range Plan, and monthly forecast of the International P&L process. Work with Country/Regional Managers to develop volume projections, pricing assumptions, and promotional & marketing plans that will be incorporated into the Plan and forecast process. Responsible for ensuring accuracy of the financial data submitted to Corporate Planning. Generate monthly reports that track International Business Performance.
So far so good. Unexciting and mundane stuff. Even with the curious obsession with the word Plan, Plans, and Planning. But here it begins to take a bizarre turn.
Provide financial support [like money? Alimony before they even get hitched?] to Country/Regional Managers on profitability analysis of new products, product launches, packaging changes, and product redesign. Analyze promotional programs; assist on the development of new pricing strategies; and maintenance of price lists. Provide analysis on ad-hoc projects. Review monthly financial package from UK and China partners; make conversions to USD [woah! That’s heady stuff] and create all journal entries. Track due to/due from [do, da-do, do-do do-do…I’m hearing Lou Reed riffs in my head] balances and coordinate payments to all partners.Responsible for Account Reconciliations for UK, China, Accruals, Government Programs, etc.; act as liaison with auditors. Engage in daily communications with regional management team, international partners, suppliers, and customers. Coordinate the production of bulk and international only products with Welch’s plants. Lead annual business meetings and market visits with key in-country manufacturing partners. Act as the International liaison with IS for systems implementation, upgrades, and ongoing support. Maintain close communication with Customer Service, Logistics, Operations, and distributors and brokers on issues related to orders. Must have demonstrated financial analysis experience. Must be highly organized [working for this person, you’d better be. Someone’s gotta do-do do it] and able to demonstrate excellent communication and time management skills. Ability to manage a fast-paced environment with a high degree of ambiguity. [a high degree of…a high degree of say what?] Must possess outstanding flexibility [put your head through your lega and kiss my ass] to deal with varied business cultures. Must enjoy working cross-functionally. Ability to manage a fast-paced environment. [Is this record stuck?] Must possess strong MS Office skills, particularly Excel. International experience is a plus. Oracle experience and foreign language are additional pluses. BS in Business, Finance, or Accounting is required. [I have BS in business and I was a poli-sci major]A minimum of 2-3 years of progressive business experience is required.